Dr. Jean Cirillo blog

Tiger and Elin: Is Divorce the Best Recourse? The Doctor Checks In

2010-04-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods appears to be losing the battle to save his marriage, according to recent news reports quoting sources close to the couple. Apparently, the "last straw" for Elin, was when Tiger made that commercial for Nike, playing the voice of his late father asking Tiger if he had "learned anything" This commercial and the timing of it's broadcast - on the eve of the tournament- appear to be more of somewhat clumsy attempt on Tiger's part to repair his public image rather than his marriage. Were it the case that he was genuinely concerned with Elin's feelings he would have been seeking to work things out privately, just between the two of them, away from the public eye. Tiger certainly should have gotten his wife's agreement before he agreed to the broadcast and respected her wishes if she withheld it. Elin's lack of attendance at the event was further evidence that she did not sanction his current behavior. In many ways, she appears beyond anger, into the next stage of indifference. This is a bad sign for the future of any marriage. It often means that all loving feelings have diminished beyond repair; and is therefore much more difficult for a marriage counselor to work with than is shock or anger. As a psychologist who has not treated the couple, it is impossible for me to know the unique factors behind the infidelity and the subsequent attempts to repair the damage. However, as an experienced therapist I can say with a strong degree of assurance, that when a marriage has reached this stage, it is in severe crisis. At this point, if anyone wishes to save the marriage, it MUST be their FIRST PRIORITY. Let Tiger be warned that while it may not be too late for him and Elin, they must both obtain help individually and as a couple. The three most important questions for any couple dealing with infidelity are: Why did it happen? How do we ensure that it doesn't happen again? and What do we do if it happens again? Fortunately Tiger and Elin have many resources available. The deciding factor will probably be, how much do both parties want to save their marriage, and how hard will they work to achieve this goal.

Elin Woods:: Why is the Wife Often the Last to Know

2010-04-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

Jim Carrey received national attention for his famous remark on Twitter. To paraphrase, he claimed that there was no way that Tiger Woods' wife could have been blind to that much infidelity, and therefore, Elin must have been willing to go along for the ride.

While it is indeed possible that Elin Woods may have tolerated Tiger's affairs until one caused her public embarressment, there is another psychological reason why she may not have seen them.

The principle of adaptation explains how all humans grow accustomed to, and learn to live with bizarre situations. We become desensitized to odd behaviors in those we see every day; especially if those behaviors are minor at first, and escalate gradually.

These factors account for family members of drug addicts, murderers, rapists, and severely mentally ill. The persons close to the one with the problem are not ignoring, covering or condoning the disturbed behavior. Rather, it seems normal to them!

Before we condemn Elin Woods for turning a blind eye to her husband's infidelity, let's remember that we allhave 20/20 hindsight. It is easy to see the warning signs after the truth comes out; even easier if you are a distance away from the situation.

Rather than judge Elin Woods lack of foresight, it is important to remember that for everyone. The hardest thing to see is that which is closest to our eyes, our own nose

West Virginia Mine Disaster: Families, Survivor Guilt and Living Through a Nightmare

2010-04-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

The worst mining disaster in two decades claimed the lives of twenty-five workers in West Virginia. Others made it out, four are unaccounted for at this moment. What happens to everyone affected by this catastrophe? "Everyone" includes victims, their families, survivors, co-workers, friends, rescue workers, hospital and healthcare workers, local residents, and the global universe of child and adult television viewers. All living persons persons feel some degree of post-traumatic-stress-disorder in the form of shock, disbelief, anger, fear, heightened awareness of danger, sorrow and guilt. Since degrees are different let's examine the disaster's effect on persons in each category. Victims - In this disaster most either got out safely or were killed. Often the severely injured feel deep bitterness and resentment in the "Why me? category. They feel depression and rage toward the world, the survivors and their circumstances. Often they imagine that they are being punished for some real or imagined sins of the past. Families of victims have similar feelings of the unfairness of the world to them and their loved ones. Coupled with this is a survivor guilt that their family member died, in this case,working to support the family. Survivors - Those who got away especially without injury, have the sense that somehow they did not "deserve" the good fortune. They have the hardest time believing in the randomness of the universe, in that they were spared. Co-workers who were not there feel much the same as survivors. Friends feel they are helpless in consoling the families in their loss. Rescue workers especially in a case such as this, feel enraged and helpless that they could not get to all the victims due to the dangers inside. They are guilty and self-doubting, ofter seeking other work. Hospital and healthcare workers feel similarly when faced by a need to decide who to help first. Both children and adults become especially concerned about their own work hazards or those of their parents, often to the point of re-evaluating their work situation. Next - How to Cope with Disasters

A Tribute to Father's Day: Daddy Loves You Too

2009-06-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

Every Father's Day I remember an unforgettable experience that occurred when I was about four years old. I was sitting in a restaurant with both parents when my mother had to leave early. A few minutes later, missing her already, I began to cry. The owner of the restaurant, who was a friend of my parents, said something which I will remember the rest of my life. He said " Don't cry, Daddy loves you too." Daddy loves you too! This has stuck with me in more than words. It has been felt in the countless helpful deeds, performed by a father who anticipated when I needed help, and gave it, without my even asking. It was shown in advice and guidance in new situations, in silent non-intrusive monitoring of my physical, emotional, social and educational environment, always trying to ensure the best. My father's love was evident in his financial and intellectual support, in helping me achieve my career goals. I dedicated my book to him; this is especially important now, because he died six months ago. Yes, my late father got to see me published. He was eighty-eight years old when he passed away suddenly. I was with him when he died, visiting him in Las Vegas. He was looking forward to going with me to a television interview. He suggested lunch since we were both hungry. As we sat at the table, happily eating, talking about food and the upcoming interview, he suddenly said, "Jean, I'm going to faint. " I got up to help him stay in his chair, but he collapsed to the floor. At that moment, I knew it was over. I was so sure, because in all of my years, I had never seen my father completely collapse. Sure enough, although help came immediately, he could not be revived. He had wanted it that way, no artificial means. Fortunately that was not an option. His heart has simply slowed, then stopped. I had a few minutes with him afterward. I opened his eyes. He looked peaceful, rested, maybe slightly puzzled. No look of pain, fear or suffering. He had simply gone to sleep. We'll meet again someday. I see my father's eyes staring back at me every time I look in the mirror. I feel it in my quiet confidence knowing that through good and bad times my father always believed in me. Yes, Father's Day is a time for all daughters and sons everywhere to celebrate. Because without a doubt, Daddy Loves You Too.

History Channel MysteryQuest

2009-05-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I shot an episode for the upcoming series on the History Channel called MysteryQuest. This ten-session program is scheduled to debut in June. My segment will be fifth in the series. It was quite interesting as I put a man under hypnosis to demonstrate the type of experiences that people have when in an altered state of consciousness. These experiences are very similar to the hypnotic sensations brought about by the sounds and feelings described by people who visit Stonehenge. This MysteryQuest segment will try to explain the rituals and mysticism associated with Stonehenge by demonstrating the effect of different sounds on the human brain. I can't wait to watch this segment which will create such a realistic experience of being inside Stonehenge when shown on hdtv. I'll keep everyone posted when we approach the air date. Dr.Jean Cirillo http://drjeantv.net